Moonlight Sonata
by kinatsurune
Summary: one-shot with Ash pining for his one true love - Gary of course - while Trovita gym leader Rudy helps him realize some things.


Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon.

Summary: Oneshot, possibly two, and shounen-ai. Ash, Trovita gym leader Rudy, and unrequited love. Sort of. For now. And plenty of angst. (No, it's not Rudy/Ash, although Rudy certainly thinks so)

A/N: One/two?shot set during episode 103, Misty Meets her Match. Uh, I apologize for the corniness...

* * *

**Moonlight Sonata**

He was so jealous of her, it hurt.

It was strange to see Misty acting so lovey-dovey when he knew her temper could rival Charizard's (when he wasn't busy being lazy). She usually didn't act this way, this gentle and soft-spoken, and…blush-y for lack of better word. And that's why he was jealous. Because even though her friends might look at her weird because she was better suited to yelling in someone's face for pissing her off, it really wasn't anything abnormal because she was a _girl_.

The simplicity of it seemed so unfair. The solution to his problem was as simple as it was impossible. To become a freaking _girl_.

Ash snorted to himself, a bitter smile crossing his face. He remembered the one time he'd dared to try, and it wasn't even for the reason he had now. After all, he didn't even know he was gay yet when he was trying to get into Erica's gym. All he wanted was her rainbow badge, enough to endure the humiliation of letting Team Rocket dress him up like their play doll (Oh the irony. Dressing up as the gender he would soon wish to be, to earn the badge that could also be seen as a stereotypical symbol of being gay, and completely unaware of any of it at the time).

But now, he'd do it in a heartbeat if he knew it would solve his problem. But of course it wouldn't – all it would bring was disgust, confusion, and maybe some concern for his sanity. And those were the exact things he was trying to avoid by hiding himself away and thus creating this whole problem in the first place.

Ash sighed. He wished he could be as open as Misty, as free as her to fall to his knees with stars in his eyes at the sight of a charming boy smiling at him. Not that Rudy ever shot _him_ a smile that wasn't some form of a smirk. But even his smug looks made him feel weak in the knees and fantasize about actually falling on them, only to have strong arms there to catch him.

Okay, so it wasn't really Rudy he was fantasizing about. But the one he _really_ wanted was even less likely to do something like that – in fact, if Gary Oak got even the tiniest inkling of his feelings for him, Ash had no doubt he'd get at least a punch in the face. And that would be a _mild_ reaction.

So here he was, fantasizing about someone safer to fantasize about but still impossibly out of reach, wondering how Misty was enjoying her private dinner with the good-looking (GROSS understatement) gym leader, cursing the day he realized his own sexuality, and…wow, someone was snoring _really loudly_.

Wincing at a particularly loud snort, Ash climbed out of the gym cot he and Tracy had been given (some hospitality…) and maneuvered his way around the sleeping multitudes of Rudy's followers. Hearing a soft 'piii' from behind him followed by a light weight landing on his head, Ash smiled and patted his Pokemon affectionately. Pikachu could always sense when he was feeling troubled, even when she'd been sleeping just a moment before.

Somehow, he managed to get through the masses of beds and blankets without waking anyone up. With a breath of relief, Ash pulled on his white and blue collar shirt and opened the gym door as quietly as he could. Looking up, he marveled for the umpteenth time how clear the night sky was in the Orange Islands. He could see so many stars at a time, all twinkling cheerfully without a care or thought to the troubles plaguing their observer's mind.

Slowly, Ash walked to the edge of the cliff the gym sat on and took a seat on the edge. Looking down was another sight just as breathtaking as the awesome sky – he couldn't see it as well, but the moonlight bathed enough of the white ocean foams to reveal the huge, powerful waves pounding mercilessly against the rocks. Looking farther out, he could even make out a small whirlpool, not unlike the one Mari had gotten stuck in earlier that day.

Thinking of the little girl only shifted his thoughts back onto her older brother – Ash cursed at his failure to try and forget about such things. At this rate, he'd be unfit to battle, too tired from thinking so hard about a problem he would never be able to solve.

He tried to recapture that marginal sense of peace from observing the sky or ocean, but it didn't come back. With a frustrated sigh, Ash gently pulled Pikachu into his arms to stare into her warm, chocolate brown eyes.

"What am I doing, Pikachu?" Ash whispered. "I can't keep this up, can I? It can't be healthy…"

"Piii…" Pikachu chided gently, lifting a tiny yellow paw to tap his left cheek. Their deep and well established bond allowed Ash to easily understand his beloved Pokemon – and prompted him to laugh softly at her reprimand for thinking such depressing thoughts.

"Sorry. But it's hard, keeping up something that's not really me."

"Chaaa, pikachu!" Pikachu shook her head adamantly, now glaring at her master. "pika pi!"

Ash sighed but didn't argue. How could he explain to his non-human friend that people weren't like Pokemon? They had biases, and prejudices, and set conceptions on how things should be. He wasn't as naive as Misty believed him to be, _did_ know about things like that.

"Wow Ash, it sounds to me like your commitment to being a Pokemon trainer is wavering."

Ash whirled around, so startled he nearly slipped off the edge and into the beautiful, but treacherous waters. His eyes widened and his heart began to thump even faster as he made out the figure approaching him. "R-Rudy!" He exclaimed, wincing at the rather unintelligent response.

"That's my name, glad to know you haven't forgotten it already." Came the amused reply.

Flushing, Ash quickly got up from his position with Pikachu still in his arms. "Uh, yeah, sorry, haha…um, I wasn't talking about being a trainer." He blabbed out, feeling the need to defend his honor as a Pokemon trainer. It wouldn't do for a gym leader to get the wrong impression.

"What were you talking about, then?"

Ash winced, realizing he had that question coming. "Nothing, nothing important. Uh, what are you doing out here?" He quickly changed the topic, hoping the other boy didn't question the obvious move.

Rudy raised an eyebrow but didn't comment on it. Instead, he answered in his usual, smooth manner, "I like to come out here once in a while to think. It's a good atmosphere for that, don't you agree? I'm guessing that's what you're out here for too."

Ash laughed nervously as he nodded, clutching Pikachu tighter. When he didn't say anything however, Rudy sighed and took the seat Ash had previously occupied. "You don't have to be nervous about tomorrow, you know. Despite what I said earlier, I'm sure you're a very capable trainer to have made it this far."

Ash flushed at the compliment. Still, he felt the urge to correct the gym leader of his misunderstanding – no way would he be this nervous about a gym match, he was much better than that! "I'm telling you, it's not that." The statement came out slightly harsher than intended, but Ash continued confidently. "I _know_ I'm going to beat you."

Rudy laughed, the sound making Ash sit down quickly before his weakened knees would do it for him. "Your confidence will make the battle interesting, that's for sure."

Wondering if the statement was supposed to be a compliment, Ash simply shrugged. A moment of silence overcame the two, surprisingly lacking in tension.

Just when he was beginning to think the other boy wouldn't say anything, Rudy spoke up again softly. "So what were you talking about, then?"

By now, Ash had collected himself enough from the shock of the other boy's appearance and had erased all trace of previous vulnerabilities. He replied easily with a carefree smile, "It's nothing. It was just me thinking aloud to Pikachu, once in a while she gives pretty good answers. How was your dinner with Misty?" Ash felt a pang at the question, prompting him to ruthlessly ask himself why the heck he'd willingly bring that up.

Rudy stared at him for a few seconds, as if assessing whether there were ulterior motives to the seemingly innocent question. Ash resisted the urge to laugh, figuring the reason why – _No Rudy, you're safe. I don't like Misty that way. Besides, it's not you I'm jealous of, it's _her_…_

"It was…nice. Very nice. She was absolutely charming, as expected, and I enjoyed every second spent with her." The suddenly unguarded, gentle tone in the other boy's voice nearly brought tears to Ash's eyes as he realized the closest he'd ever get to that from the one he wanted was a watered down insult_..._A wistful smile made its way across Rudy's face as he seemed to remember something special.

Ash didn't ask what it was. He didn't know how he'd react if he did. Instead, he began to stand, ensuring Pikachu wouldn't fall from her perch, and eternally grateful it was dark enough to obscure his face from clear view. No doubt his eyes and nose were reddening by now, and he'd left his hat inside so he wouldn't have been able to use it to hide his face had it been daylight. Then again, if it were daylight, they wouldn't be here together like this, in a weird moment of peace. And anguish, on Ash's part. "Well, I'd better get back to bed, I'll need a good night's sleep for t-tomorrow…" Horror filled Ash as he heard his own voice crack. Very obviously too.

"Ash? What's wrong?" The urgent question was accompanied by a soft whoosh, Rudy had stood up that fast.

"N-nothing!" Ash hiccupped, feeling extremely angry with himself. _Crap! I should have better control of myself!_

"Look, I really do like Misty, but I wouldn't do anything dirty to try and convince her to stay with me." Rudy tried to explain, helplessness filling his voice as he realized his words didn't seem to have any effect. "If she _does_ like you, of course I'll accept her decision. If anything, I was feeling my efforts would be futile because you two seemed so close-"

Ash gritted his teeth, beginning to feel slightly irritated towards the other boy. Rudy was saying exactly the opposite of what he wanted to hear, and the more the gym leader tried to comfort him, the harder he was making it to control himself.

Finally, at "-I would have left her alone if I knew you felt this strongly about it-" Ash snapped. He whirled around nearly launching Pikachu off his head, eyes blazing, and not caring in the least that he was at least two inches shorter than the other boy. Somehow, he still managed to tower.

"Stop it! I don't care about her, you can _have_ her! I don't _want _her to like me because it's not _her_ I want, it's-" Ash's eyes widened, bringing his hands up to his mouth. It was barely in time too, feeling his mouth still moving in the shape of his rival's name against his palms.

Horror filled him once more as he suddenly realized in the following silence what his cut off words must have sounded like. Without thinking, he took a small step back, hearing Pikachu's yelp of warning too late.

His foot met nothing but air. Ash's eyes widened as he felt himself lose his balance to the pull of gravity, and horrible images of his own body and Pikachu's crashing against the rocks below unwittingly flashed through his mind.

Suddenly, he was yanked to a stop, and Ash looked down to realize Rudy had caught him by the wrist. Teetering on the edge of the cliff, his body in an angle leaning back towards the waters below, Ash glanced up to see the full moon shining right down on him.

Unfortunately, it was at this angle that Rudy could now see his face clearly. Seeing the shiny streaks across the other boy's tan cheeks was almost enough to shock him into releasing his grip. The second that moment passed however, the red haired gym leader quickly pulled the other boy away from the edge to safety. "Geez Ash, don't die before we have our match…" Rudy gasped, attempting to make light of a situation he knew was anything but.

That was made quite clear when Ash only responded with silence. Having been revealed, the young trainer angrily swiped at his eyes with one hand and tightly clutched Pikachu with the other, wishing for a split second he could have just fallen off the cliff so he wouldn't have to go through this embarrassment.

"Uh, look Ash, I don't know what to say but…"

"Just forget it, okay? I know you like Misty, you're not like me, just promise not to mention this to anyone, _especially_ my friends. Please."

Rudy nodded nervously. The two boys stood in silence for a few more seconds, and just as Ash was about to turn back towards the Gym, Rudy's hand quickly shot out to grip his shoulder. "Wait!" He blurted.

Ash froze, more from the uncertainty in the usually confident gym leader than the hand physically gripping his shoulder.

"Look, I can't say anything to make your uh…attraction to me less painful," Rudy fumbled awkwardly. For all his experience with girls and dates and courting, it all boiled down to nothing for something like this.

Somehow, Ash felt a perverse pleasure at the other boy's obvious discomfort. He refused to feel guilty about it, reasoning he had enough emotional crap to deal with without adding to it something as insignificant as guilt because the gym leader kept drawing his own conclusions. So he stayed silent, curious as to what the redhead had to say.

"And there's little advice I can give you on this, specifically."

Ash snorted. That was a given.

"But what I can say is this – there is nothing…_nothing_ about yourself that you should be ashamed of. I don't know who or what happened in your life to make you think you should hide or preferences, and it could have been the most traumatic experience that might certainly validate your reasons. No matter what though, hiding it away is the safe path, but it's the easy path…that only gets harder further down, and possibly to a point where you can't turn back. I've only known you for barely a day, Ash, and even I can see you're not the kind of person to make that choice. No aspiring Pokemon Master would survive his own dreams if he took the easy way out all the time." Rudy stared into Ash's expressionless eyes, conviction replacing any previous discomfort completely.

"Coming from someone like me, probably the last person to understand what you're going through, it might not mean much. But it's something I believe in and I hope you will too." The gym leader finished softly.

For a few minutes that felt like hours, the two boys simply stood there in the dark, staring at each other. Rudy watched with suppressed fascination as Ash's expressionless face slowly melted into one of confusion and a hint of anguish. But at least there were no more tears, and it seemed the other boy was at least considering his words.

"You know, after dinner, Misty and I danced in the gym together." Rudy started casually, prompting Ash to look up in confusion at the abrupt change in topic. "I'm almost positive she doesn't return the same feelings I hold towards her, but she danced with me anyway because it's something to enjoy, whether the one you're doing it with is your lover or your friend. Don't you think so?"

Still confused, it took a few moments for the other boy's meaning to start dawning on him, and even then, Ash still didn't completely get it until Rudy pointedly held out a hand. A furious blush laced across his cheeks as he shyly accepted, feeling his face heat up even more as the other boy's warm hand closed over his own.

As the two danced to the moonlit music of the night, Ash dared to rest his head against the other boy's chest. A second later he dared further to whisper an inaudible name into the yin yang necklace only his closed eyes could see.

_~fin_

* * *

A/N: And of course the two act like nothing happened the next day because...boys will be boys.


End file.
